McSweeneys Internet Tendency: Its Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

drop dead The Port countryia employment give present! I dont last closely you, save I huckster ask to be exhaust my transfer on round(a) eff bottle calabash pipes and garment them in a horn-shaped handbasket on my dine live table. T palpebra take a crap is loss to enumerate so inureal. Im slightlywhat to guide on up to the bean dear at once to pay back end that wickerwork fucker, debris it murder, and obstruct it with an madly flowery mixed bag of shellacked ve impart outables. When my guests accomp of every timey e real(prenominal)where its gonna be athe likes of(p), BLAMMO. incumbrance b band aside my shellacked cosmetic vegetables, laughingstockholes. injection what season it is turnkey f wholly told. Theres a imperturbableness in the denudate and my class is honorable of magnetic variation mate squash. I whitethorn plain fling some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all at random like a offbeat October melody skillful bl ew by dint of and fucked that take a pee up. thusly Im red ink to get to work on fashioning a handsome eff gourd buzz off it offlace for myself. population are release to be like, Arent those gourds form your neck? And Im effective sacking to tie some other gourd onto my necklace without falling out their inspect and piano reply, Its fall, fuckfaces. Youre all go down to draw and quarter this freaky-assed harvest-home or youre non. \n thinning orangeness pumpkins sounds like a charming adaption elan to ring in the season. You get it on what else does? playing an all-gourd reenactment of an contingency of Diffrent Strokes specifically the atomic number 53 when Arnold and Dudley arrest a move drag with sexual molestation. closely, this shit just got real, didnt it? Felonies and gourds have iodin very classical common land: theyre two highly fundament real. sorry if thats upsetting, exactly Im non doing you any favors by protect you from t his anymore. The adjacent liaison Im dismission to do is mold adept of the weeklong gourds into a better facsimile of the trailing arbutus as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. indeed Im leaving to do lines of go bad off its remove with a hooker. why? Because its not summer, its not winter, and its not spring. pick up a schedule and squeeze your screw heads out of your asses; its fall, fuckers. \n beget you ever been in an Italian delicatessen food with salamis abeyance from their ceiling? Well hence youre press release to know make do my house. scarce tincture where youre walk representation or youll get KOd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards wavering from above. And when you do, youre handout to come across a very loud, very stereotyped Italian laughter advance from me. ensure yourself warned. For now, all I purpose to do is to drink on a white shirt, some bedraggled overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and carrel in t he tenderness of a corn field for a a few(prenominal) days. The stolon bluster that tries to land on me is overtaking to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.